Regretted Decisions
by undefined
Summary: Please don't read this if you dislike m/m pairings. This is mainly pre-Harry.


Title: Regretted Decision  
Author: Inna  
Rating: PG13  
Archive: sure, but ask first please  
Pairing: James/Sirius and James/Lily  
Feedback: please please please, I really need a better title...  
Disclaimer: blah blah not mine yada yada J.K. Rowling's blah blah blah  
Comments: I'd really appreciate Constructive Critisism, please don't compliment me if you don't honestly mean it. This was inspired by and is dedicated to Kab. 

~*~*~*~ 

The Gryffindor common room was noisy that evening. It was a few days before Christmas Break; three days to be exact. Some were trying to do homework but most had given up. The four marauders were planning some mischief, a group of girls including Lily were giggling in a corner, and the fire was blazing. 

"James! Hello....James?" Remus Lupin waved a hand in front of his friend's face. 

"Er...sorry," James Potter blushed, "I was just looking at something...interesting...." 

Sirius Black snorted, "Interesting you say? I don't suppose it could be something interesting with bright red hair and green eyes?" 

James blushed even more. "Shut up Padfoot," he fidgeted uncomfortably. "What were we talking about?" 

"Nothing too important apparently." Sirius said scowling. "I'm turning in early tonight." With that he left for the boy's dormitories. 

The three remaining boys shared a puzzled look. 

A look of concern flickered across Jame's face. "I'll go see what's up." His friends nodded. 

When he reached the dorm he saw that Sirius was in bed, with his hangings almost closed. He quietly walked over and peeped through them. His friend was muttering in his sleep fretfully. James caught the words "beat me to it, does he" and "why" over and over. Thoroughly puzzled, James went to bed himself.   
-------  
James dreamed. His dream was oddly normal and specific. No flying pink rabbits. In the dream James was walking along a hallway in Hogwarts that he had never seen. It was dark and winding. There were paintings on either side of him. They were large and framed. Captivating, unusual pictures. It didn't seem like there was light anywhere but on the paintings. 

In one the boy saw himself and his three best friends playing a prank on someone. "So these are real events? The future?" he pondered. Everything seemed to make sense, but at the same time it didn't. 

Some of the paintings showed him with Lily. In one of them he saw their wedding, in one he saw them fighting, and in one he saw himself holding her and crying. "How odd." 

There were many pictures of him with his friends. Talking, joking, doing the things they always did. The ones that puzzled James the most were the ones of him and Sirius arguing; there were a lot like that. In real life they rarely argued, and when they did they were never really mad. However, in these, he and Sirius were hard at it. Sirius was blushing and stuttering, which was an extremely rare occurence. As James watched the painted figure of himself get angrier and angrier he woke up with a start. 

"Is this one of those weird visions?" He had taken Divination, and studied reasonably hard. "Maybe I'm just crazy. Oh, bugger all..." and James slid back into sleep.   
-------  
The days before their vacation went by slowly. But they did end, to James's relief. 

"I was starting to think we'd never make it," Peter joked as he waved goodbye and headed home. 

Dinner was a happy event that day. There were few people who hadn't gone home, so it was nice and quiet. James and Sirius had spent the day rigging the Great Hall. At the teacher's table many were getting squirted. James and Sirius had rigged their rolls so that they would point to someone and squirt ink. But the teachers laughed along with all the other students at their humiliation. The comfort of no teaching or learning renewed everyone's sense of humor. 

Out of James's gang only he, Sirius, and Lily had stayed. But this was enough to have a good time. 

They spent the next few days roaming the school and goofing off. Various paintings were confused by everyone snickering at them constantly. It turned out that somehow, misteriously, their once gold-painted frames were now white with various words maraqueeing on them. Opening doors sometimes caused something fluffy to jump out at you. These were the sort of things the Mauraders lived for. 

James woke up on Christmas morning to a large pile of gifts. With childish joy he dived at them. Sweets and a jumper from his parents, an enchanted lily from Lily, the usual dungbombs and other gags from Lupin and Peter, and a strange package from Sirius. 

James unwrapped the package, and a letter fell out. Curious and expecting something amusing, he leaned back and started reading.   
~  
Dear James, 

There's something I have to tell you, something I've waited a very long time to say. We all know I'm bisexual, and that's no big deal. But there is something that has the potential to be a very big deal. (This is very mushy, no?) For the past few months, I've realized that I'm falling in love with you. That's really something for someone my age to say, a mouthful indeed. This is not a joke, I don't get any more serious (sirius) than this. I know you probably can't love me back, you have Lily. But I felt you had the right to know. 

Sirius   
~  
James was in shock. He stared at the parchment, and reread it a few times to make sure no mistake had been made. 

He heard a little sound. Upon looking up he saw his friend looking at him with frightened eyes. 

"So, um, merry Christmas?" Sirius said. He looked so afraid that James wanted to make a joke to lighten the mood. But somehow nothing came to mind. 

"How...how...how can this be? This is true? How--" James wasn't quite sure what he was trying to say. 

Sirius looked sad, but calm. It looked like he had predicted his despair before. "Open the box." 

James looked down and the little box in his hands. "Like the note wasn't enough of an impact," he said. Confusion brought out sarcasm. 

He reached for the box and opened it carefully. The content brought a gasp to James's lips. As the lid came off the box several rose petals floated into the air. They twinkled and soared delicately around James. It was captivating. The petals glided and swirled around and around, it was pure joy. After a few minutes of it, the petals drifted back into the box, and the lid replaced itself. 

"Did you enchant these yourself?" James asked Sirius after a rather long pause. 

"Yeah. It was bloody hard too...but you deserve it," was the reply, accompanied by a weak smile. 

James blushed and felt really uncomfortable. How could this be happening? Sirius, his best friend, the most trusted person for James. They had been friends since they met on the Hogwarts Express at the age of 11. Now it was all falling apart. "We'll discuss this later." he said coldly. "I'm going to Lily now." 

As James walked down the stairs his dream flooded his head. "So that's what we were arguing about. I wonder if that hallway really exists. I wonder how this will end. Am I just going to keep walking down a twisting hallway until I can't take it anymore? How can this be happening?"   
-------  
James and Lily were entwined on a sofa basking in the glory of a fire. They were cuddling and just being warm. As James ran his fingers through Lily's bright red hair and watched it wave about, he found himself wishing it were shorter, thicker, black. Black. 

"Damnit," he thought. Then with all the firmness of a young man his age, he pushed those thoughts out of his head and hugged his girl even tighter. He realized she was asleep, and quietly got up and left. 

He went to the boys' dormitories where he saw Sirius lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling. Sirius jumped when James entered. They briefly made eye contact and James saw the pained look in his friend's eyes, but broke the connection. 

"Prongs..." Sirius began. 

He was cut off. "How the hell do you expect me to react to this?" 

"...I had hoped maybe you feel the same way." 

James was shocked. "How could I? What about Lily? I love Lily!" 

"I've seen the way you look at her. It's infatuation. The way you look at me is different. The way you look at me is the way I look at you." Sirius calmly said. 

The two boys were sitting one their respective beds facing each other. There was about a foot between their faces. Both were blushing a bit, but James was the one that was stuttering, Sirius was calmly sure of himself. 

"Listen," James began, "I think you're making this up. It's what you want to believe. I--" but he didn't finish because right at that moment Sirius grabbed his face with both hands. After a beat of glaring into his love's eyes, he brought their faces together and pressed his lips against James's. It was wonderful, warmth spread through James's body, and felt like it went around him, through Sirius, and back again. 

James had kissed Lily before; they had done more than kissed, and it had been very passionate at times, but nothing like this. 

Sirius was gentle; his heart was on his lips. And James couldn't help but lean into the kiss and bask in its glory. Then he realized what he was doing and jumped back. He was kissing his best friend. "Stop it! How dare you!" he was wiping his mouth and moving away from his offender. This wasn't right, he wasn't gay. 

Sirius lay back on his bed. "So you don't love me. Okay, I can live with that. But are you sure?" 

James thought for a minute. "Yes. I'm going to be with Lily, I was meant to be with Lily. We're perfect for each other. I-I....I love her." The last phrase was hard, but it was out. 

"All right," Sirius said. His eyes were again filled with dispair. 

James felt a wave of sympathy, but remembered that he was the victim, and that he was supposed to be mad. 

"I guess we'll forget this ever happened. Just remember that I will always love you. If you ever change your mind, I'll still be here." Sirius said this with his whole heart. He looked so uncomfortable, words like this had probably never come from his lips before. James almost laughed. 

A relieved James replied, "Okay Padfoot. Let's go rig the Great Hall some more." 

-------

"Lily, take Harry and go! It's Him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off...." James yelled in the midst of a terror scene. He fought and fought but he knew that the flash of green was coming. There was nothing to prevent it. His thoughts raced, "Sirius. Sirius - I love--" And there was no more.


End file.
